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Groupon Will Tuck You Into Bed

ben kobold, groupon, daily deal mediaIf bedtime stories and counting sheep have failed to put you to sleep, a brand new online offer is now available for purchase, which (depending to your preference) just might do the trick—tuck ins. For a mere hundred dollars, a Groupon employee will arrive at your home, and physically tuck you into your bed. (Un)Fortunately, the deal is only available for purchase in Chicago.

Here’s how the deal will work: “Disease-free” Groupon Tucker, Ben Kobold, will first enter your bedroom and do a complete linen analysis while you enjoy a glass of water that he himself has poured for you. According to the deal “Ben’s sinewy, well-groomed fingers delicately raise each sheet and blanket over your body until you’re comfortably bundled. Ben [then] leans in and uses his summer-breeze-like voice to gently sing you one of the five lullabies he has authored.” Once Kobold has confirmed that you have indeed succumbed to slumber, he and his tucking-team will slip off into the night while you are left to only drift off into dream.

Although it is easy to question the legitimacy of the tuck-in deal, Groupon representative Patrick S. claims, “This is the most serious deal that Groupon has ever seriously run in its serious history.” The deal does come with stipulations—all tuckees must be 18 and older.

But who exactly is this Ben Kobold? After all, we have a right to know whose sinewy phalanges caress our sheets. According to his LinkedIn profile, Kobold has identified himself as a Groupon writer— and no, whispering sweet lullabies and bundling bodies are not listed under his skills or achievements. Since his personal website was not responding, a fragment from a cached version of his portfolio reveals:

I walk with a mild limp because body hair grows only on my left side. I wish I was a little bit taller. Small children and the homeless fear me. I was left-handed until age seven. My mom told me to knock it off. Pants optional.

Thankfully, though, his Twitter account has provided us relief that “my [his] chest hair is looking much fuller now.

So how much revenue could this deal generate? If out of Groupon’s 11,000 employees, shifts of 3 achieve 4 tuck ins a night, the deal would profit approximately 1.5 million dollars in one night. If each team works every night for an entire year, the deal would generate $547.5 million. Since Groupon is held accountable for its services provided, the entire profit would account as revenue.

2 people have since purchased. Hurry, though—Deal ends in 3 days.


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